Rule the World

It's time to begin my manifesto.

Monday, May 16, 2005

No. 013: Mushrooms

When I rule the world: you're going to have to lose your taste for mushrooms.

There are two things I won't eat - seafood and mushrooms. Seafood, I regret not liking. It used to disagree with me when I was young, and so I've grown up without a taste for it. I always have a vague plan to start eating it, because I'm fully aware of the great health benefits associated with fish.

However, mushrooms are the Devil's own vegetable. They're fungus! They grow on manure! It's just to normal to want to eat them.

The smell of mushrooms cooking will send me running from a house, hand clasped over my mouth, bile rising in my throat. And if you sit next to me in a restaurant and order a smelly mushroom dish I may turn green. I'll certainly lose all affection for you. At the tender age of eight I developed a mild dislike for my maternal grandmother when she forced me to drink mushroom soup. She's been dead a few years now, but the memory of the soup lingers.

And people who think they can sneak mushrooms into pasta dishes or whatever without me noticing are in for nasty shock. I've been forced to live in constant danger, always scared that I'll go to dinner at a friend's house and be fed a mushroom-heavy dish. When I eat out and order anything more complicated than cornflakes I check it's mushroom-free. If I'm told mushrooms do feature, I request they're left out of the dish. If the meal arrives in front of me with mushrooms still in situ, I send it back. There will be no public mushroom consumption.

When I'm in charge eating mushrooms will be as socially unacceptable as ... I don't know ... picking your nose and eating it. You'll still be able to eat mushrooms, but you'll have to eat them in the privacy of your own home. You'll also need to ensure you have a seven-day mushroom-free period before I come around for a visit, so that horrid mushroomy smell is aired out of your curtains.


At 4:28 pm, Blogger Sabrina said...

My dear I am in love. Mushrooms are evil and horrid and I have always lived by the principle that anyone who hates mushrooms is an instant friend of mine.

Where do I sign up to help you rule the world?

At 10:42 pm, Blogger kindred said...

I shall add you to my list of faithful deputies! You can be Minister of Mushroom Hatred.


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