Rule the World

It's time to begin my manifesto.

Monday, May 16, 2005

No. 012: Toilet Paper

When I rule the world: all toilet paper will be two-ply. Three-ply toilet paper is wasteful and extravagant, and one-ply toilet paper is inadequate. I will immediately ban that horrible shiny one-ply toilet paper favoured in public bathrooms.

Ideally, toilet paper will be white. I don't understand the need for coloured or patterned paper - it is, after all, just something to wipe your bottom with. Consumers will be encouraged to save the price difference between white paper and fancy paper, and invest the money in books to read whilst on the toilet.

People who use the last of a toilet roll and fail to replace it will be severely punished. Is there anything more annoying? I think not. Even in somebody else's bathroom it should not be beyond the wit of man to have a quick look in the cupboards and find a new roll. Failure to do so shows a highly inconsiderate attitude towards your fellow toilet-users, who may not notice the lack of paper until they're in desperate need of it. And besides, looking for a replacement roll in your friends’ bathroom cupboards gives you an excellent opportunity to uncover their secret stash of pile ointment and facial hair bleach.

People who start a new roll without actually putting it on the holder will not be tolerated. This smacks of simple laziness. You're sitting there anyway, so how difficult is it to put the new roll on the holder and throw away the cardboard insert from the old roll?

Toilet paper will be universally hung so the end is over the roll, instead of under. This is clearly the correct toilet paper-hanging method, as practiced by all good hotels. Folding the end of the roll into a tidy point will be optional.

(And a mildly related point: a strict shut door policy will be encouraged for toilet visits. There is such a thing as too much sharing, you know.)


At 10:45 pm, Blogger Vickie said...

What about having all toilet paper unbleached instead? It must be better for the environment in some way (I don't know, I'm not big on details), and really, who needs their toilet paper to be bright white?

At 6:31 am, Blogger kindred said...

True. OK, consider that a supplementary point!

At 2:16 am, Blogger lily b said...

I just started reading this blog, so I'm a little behind, but YES, YES and YES about the toilet paper.

I used to work at a company that had one bathroom each for the men and women. My boss always used the women's because he thought the men's was too dirty. This is a man who will wear the exact same clothing for 2 weeks straight! I don't know what he did with it, but the roll was always empty after he had been in there. And leaving one or two squares on the roll doesn't count as not using up the toilet paper. Replace it!

At 12:15 pm, Blogger sunshine said...

hi, i don't have tv either and when i do watch it somewhere i'm just reminding myself why i don't.
i definitely agree with all points made here! i'm looking for ways to fold the tissue....any ideas?


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