Rule the World

It's time to begin my manifesto.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

No. 010: Mouth Breathing

When I rule the world: mouth breathing will be outlawed.

Man, if there's one thing I hate it's mouth breathing. I hate the sound of people breathing through their mouths, and I will do everything in my power to one day help mouth breathers breathe through their noses, like normal people.

Why is your nose there, if not to breathe through? It's not just there to prop up your sunglasses. Mouths are busy. They have to talk, and eat, and speak, and kiss. When you kiss a mouth breather they won't smooch for long before thinking they're suffocating and breaking away. Mouth breathing kills the moment.

There are actual medical
reasons why people should break their mouth breathing habit, and also several reasons that just make sense to me:

Oxygen absorption is lower when you're a mouth breather. That can't be good.

Mouth breathing increases the likelihood of loud snoring, irregular breathing, and serious conditions like Sleep Apnea and heart conditions. Most of those are bad for you. Snoring is very bad for you if you snore so much that your hapless spouse one day puts a pillow over your head and presses hard.

Mouth breathing freaks the brain out, tricking it into thinking that carbon dioxide is being lost too quickly. Nose breathing calms the brain down. It's good to keep your brain calm, as it can then remember things better and generally serve you well. Stressed-out brains forget where the car keys are, and are useless at remembering your ATM PIN.

Air is breathed unfiltered when it's breathed through the mouth, as the mouth lacks those handy little filter hair things present up your nose. That's why nose breathing is the way forward: it's what the nose was designed to do!

You lose more water from your body when you're a mouth breather. People always tell us to drink more water, but it's a big fat waste of time if you're just breathing it all out again. If you mouth breathe all the time you'll probably end up with dehydrated skin, and wrinkles. Nose breathers are probably sexier.

You have a better sense of smell if you're not a mouth breather. I can vouch for this, as I'm a nose breather and have a highly sensitive sense of smell. Of course, this can sometimes be a curse - I'm particularly sensitive to cooking smells, and hate the smell of cigarette smoke. But it also means I have a keen appreciation for nice flowers and lovely perfumes.

Mouth breathers are more susceptible to colds, as the germs don't get caught and dealt with in the nasal mucus. This probably means that nose breathers live longer and are generally more hale and hearty.

There's a strong connection between mouth breathing and asthma, and most
breathing cures for asthma centre on retraining yourself to be a nose breather. That's got to be better for you than steroids. Apparently one cure even involves taping your mouth shut at night, so you have to breathe through your nose. That's pretty hardcore.

In my experience, mouth breathers have smellier breath than nose breathers.

I won't just heartlessly set mouth breathers adrift to fend for themselves. I think I'll set up nose breathing workshops at schools, so every child grows up breathing properly. And I'll have adult training sessions available as well. And the world will no longer know the horror of mouth breathers, and peace will reign.

33 Comments:

At 11:24 pm, Blogger Vickie said...

Yes!!! I HATE mouth breathing. So bloody annoying. Richard tends to do it when asleep, not hugely, but enough to make me want to smother him on occasion. And yes, mouth breathing does lead to stinkier breath because (I saw this on Nickelodeon) having your mouth shut generates spit which cleans your mouth and freshens your breath, so less spit equals stinky mouth. Can I please be the minister in charge of outlawing mouth breathing when the people of the world see sense and appoint you as ruler?

 
At 7:11 am, Blogger kindred said...

Yes, you can. I will be happy to have such a passionate nose breathing advocate.

 
At 1:22 am, Blogger Vickie said...

Could you please outline for us your strategies for tackling the most appalling grammatical error of our time - the misuse of apostrophies?

 
At 10:48 pm, Blogger kindred said...

I have a long list of future manifesto points to raise. Grammar and spelling problems will soon be addressed, so fear not!

 
At 6:55 pm, Blogger Dana said...

Hey! Don't be so harsh on the mouthbreathers, although they are admittedly easier to kill. Not that I would know. Not at all. There's a couple totally hot mouthbreathers out there. There's Micheal Phelps and.....o.k. Thre goes my point. I'll have to get back to you on that one.

 
At 5:32 pm, Blogger kindred said...

Monkey himself is a hot mouthbreather, so I know the drama of mouthbreathing firsthand. Improving his general breathing performance is an ongoing project of mine.

 
At 7:55 pm, Blogger Huy said...

Wow..you're a completely ignorant moron. Most mouth-breathers breath from their mouths because they have problems with their nasal passages. IE chronic allergies, sinus congestion, etc.. I myself hate the sounds that mouth-breathers create, but I do not go out of my way to post something so richly biased as you have done. Bottom line, look at both sides of the story before talking, else I may just call you another Michael Moore clone.

 
At 7:06 pm, Blogger Thom_thumb_123 said...

Fuck it :)

Let people do what they want

If you're that arsed then don't start gobbin' mouth breathers.

And please can i ask you something?

What do you do when you get a blocked nose?

Just give up an' turn purple?

I think you should.

 
At 7:07 pm, Blogger Thom_thumb_123 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 6:30 am, Blogger Amy said...

Are you for real?

In all you arrogance and ignorance have you ever considered WHY people breathe through their mouths??

So what do you propose people medical conditions or genetic conditions, such as a deviated septums ect, do? Should they just keel over and die from a lack of oxygen rather then be a dreaded mouth breather?

This is seriously ignorant....

 
At 11:46 pm, Blogger tsubame said...

I can't breathe through my nose -- having tried tried snorting saltwater, allergy shots, pills, acupuncture, nasal sprays, and so on, I've resigned myself to the fact that all I'll ever get by inhaling through my nostrils is a generous glob of sticky, intractable mucus that lodges itself in my windpipe. But thanks for the reminder.

 
At 9:52 am, Blogger Dfrd said...

Really like the blog, some great opinions. Just commenting because, you might already know this, but there is a whole type of exercise/school of thought dedicated to this practise. It is called Buteyko, and instructs people to breath through their nose and if applied correctly can help with many conditions like diabetes, heart condtions and snoring.

Dfrd :)

 
At 12:36 am, Blogger Isaac said...

Listen: the sound of someone breathing through the mouth is a LOT better than the sound of the same person breathing through the nose. Hence why they breath from their mouths in the first place; their nasal passages are obstructed.

Or do you find "HHHHNGH GHHHHKGHKH, HHHHNGH GHHHHKGHKH" less annoying?

 
At 10:47 pm, Blogger Mike said...

I have a deviated septum. I can't breath through my nose. It's not possible for me to breath through my nose and get enough air to live. You, my good sir, are are imbecile.

 
At 3:09 am, Blogger Lucie said...

Mouth breathing does suck, but it's the only way I can breathe at night. I've got a thin nose and consequently thin nostrils, so I get all the problems of sleep apnea, bad gums, smelly breath, etc just because my nose closes up when I lie down. Any advice for us annoying mouth-breathers? I mean, aside from sleeping sitting up?

 
At 6:20 pm, Blogger Mike said...

There is nothing wrong with mouth breathing. I have been a mouth breather my whole life and never catch a cold and am in perfect health. I don't snore and do not get dehydrated. I was also always smart and at the top of my class when I went to school. So in my opinion this information appears to be false.

 
At 3:17 am, Blogger Snipe said...

Damn, too bad this blog died. It was really great! What happened? Got yourself a TV?

 
At 2:05 am, Blogger Horace Gerstanblut said...

Mouth breathers are a proud community of people that inhabit every part of this land. Our cultural are without measure and we will make our voices heard. Like left handed people, we permiate all parts of soicety, we are not a disease we the a solution and we are stronger for all the adversities that you have mentioned, and if you think you can exterminate us we will rise up against you. MOuth breaters of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains and a world to gain!!!
P.S. as a group, were great swimmers.

 
At 11:59 pm, Blogger Thee said...

Erm . . . isn't this article supposed to be about offering help and advice? Surely folk could treat it as a light hearted discussion, rather than take offence.

 
At 1:49 am, Blogger zbddbziscool said...

yes i think that the only time u should have an exuse for breathing through ur mouth is if youre tired from working out or something like that,altho i accidently breath thru my mouth but thats mostly when my nose is full,eh what can u do.

 
At 4:39 pm, Blogger jmackinder said...

The best way to breathe is thru the ears - just look at elephants + rabbits.....I have been breathing thru my ears for 150 yrs (I am now 35 yrs old) and I have enormous ears - I am also deaf now........

 
At 4:46 pm, Blogger joanniebeers said...

I love your blog,you are right on! I just learned how to breath right(Buteyko). People have not been TAUGHT to breath the correct way. Let the peole know that by putting tapes on their mouths will correct the problem!

 
At 7:44 pm, Blogger Richard Friedel said...

Mouth breathing ruined my life. My mother was truly concerned at my habit. But she spoiled me so intensely she just could not bear smacking me. On looking back seems she should have used the simple trick of getting me to place the tip of my tongue against my top row oof teeth to make sure air was flowing through my nose properly and then breathing vigorously enough to get the feeling of energy coming from my nose. I was just too stubborn and too lazy to really try out something which seemed illogical.

I guess folks have just got to learn that “obstructing” air flow makes breathing far more invigorating.

It seems to me that it is often not too retrain breathing to get rid of simple asthma caused by mouth breathing in the first place, namely by vigorously breathing through the nose with suitable motivation. All the best for your good work. Richard Friedel.s3e0101@mailin.lrz-muenchen.de

 
At 1:55 pm, Blogger justanotherblogreaderftw said...

All so right! I cannot STAND it and unfortunately it screws with my relationship sometimes. I pointed it out to my partner once, he didn't realise not many people do it. I find it really creepy and savage. The older he gets the louder it has gotten and fuck it's awful. When we're in bed and feel like getting funky together he starts leaning in for a kiss, breathing through his mouth all over me, makes him seem like a desperate weirdo and I instantly lose all interest in having sex with him. While he's doing his thing, kissing my neck/ear and whatever all I can hear is this awful desperate breathing sound it's fucking gross. It does stop out kisses as well, he pulls back now and then for a huge cough. YUCK. On the other hand, he does snore terribly and it's getting worse and worse each year. I sleep out on the cough at least twice a week. Grrrrrrrrrrr! I hate how it affects us like that and if I mention it in more than just an 'in passing' kind of way he'll take it as an insult. I don't want it affecting his health or our relationship but it's really just to the point it's so fucking gross I get turned off by the thought of trying to initiate sex with him, knowing the creepy breathing will be all over me. ick.

 
At 1:55 pm, Blogger justanotherblogreaderftw said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 11:39 am, Blogger ... said...

Do you really know why some people breath with their mouth? No i don't think so.

Mouth breathing can be caused by different allergies and sinus congestion. You are being too ignorant.
Mouth breathers might suffer from Asthma too.

Before posting such ridiculous things about mouth breathers, you better read WHY PEOPLE BREATH THROUGH THEIR MOUTH.

IGNORANCE!!!!!

 
At 4:42 am, Blogger Samantha Ayers said...

You're awesome! lol

 
At 4:46 am, Blogger Samantha Ayers said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 4:47 am, Blogger Samantha Ayers said...

I struggle with this with my boyfriend and I'm so turned off at this point I think I might have to break up with him as shallow as that seems. However I cannot force myself to be attracted to someone that I am just no longer attracted to. It's not fair to him but it's also not fair to me. Unfortunately mouth breathing has ruined our relationship as well. It's such a turn off. It's so gross.

 
At 4:49 am, Blogger Samantha Ayers said...

I personally understand that it's a medical issue but I am entitled to my opinion and I find it disgusting and it turns me off. End of story

 
At 6:55 am, Blogger PukingRainbows said...

You are a sociopathic piece of shit. I hope one day you get a life changing illness and others will judge you and demoralize you based off that. You and all the fucking pieces of shits that are talking down on people with medical disorders are worthless Even if ya die, the world will keep on turning

 
At 10:38 am, Blogger Clover Bird said...

Cut out all dairy. It forms mucus. I'm vegan and it helps a lot.

 
At 10:43 am, Blogger Clover Bird said...

Cut out all dairy. It forms mucus. I'm vegan and it helps a lot.

 

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