Rule the World

It's time to begin my manifesto.

Friday, April 29, 2005

No. 009: Brassieres

When I rule the world: certain regulations will be put in place to govern the wearing of bras.

Most post-pubescent women wear bras (or upper-decker-flopper-stoppers, or over-shoulder-boulder-holders). However, a lot of women seem to struggle with the concept of when and how to wear a bra, and which bra to wear for which occasion. I will set up a crack team of Breast Police to enforce the following bra-related rules and to regulate the bra-making industry.

Bras must be worn in public unless the subject is a B cup or less, in which case a vest with built-in bra support may be substituted (as long as the subject is not running around anywhere, threatening to give herself a black eye). However, the subject does not have to wear a bra in the privacy of her own home if there's no risk of visitors.

Dark-coloured bras must not be worn under light-coloured clothing. An elementary bra-wearing law, but one which is frequently broken.

Bras with a lot of lace detail are not to be worn under clingy clothing. The effect is of lumpy, rippled breasts, and it isn't pretty. Save lacy bras for wearing under thicker clothing, and wear seamless bras under clingy clothes.

A controversial one, this: bra straps may be on show. However, they should not be white-turned-grey from too many washings. They should ideally be a pretty colour which complements the subject's outfit, and should be thin. Not all bra straps are created equal.

Bras must fit properly, and women will be required to have their sizing checked every time they buy underwear. Breasts should not bulge over the top of the cup - go up a size. And back straps should not carve out great shelves of fat and leave welts on the skin - again, go up a size. There's no shame in it. I was a 34D six months ago, but after a lot of exercise I've lost fat and gained muscle, and now I'm 36B.

Sports bras must be worn whenever the subject undertakes any exercise. Nobody wants to kick their breasts around in the shower as an old lady.

Strapless bra technology must advance to provide comfortable bras that stay up when the subject wants to dance.

Bra manufacturers will be required to make pretty and fashionable bras for all sizes, from AA to GG. Pretty bras are a right, not a privilege.

The Breast Police will be other women, so pervy guys who think their life's calling is to ogle breasts should consider another career. If they see a subject with an inappropriate bra, they will take discreet action by passing the subject a small card, detailing their bra misdemeanor. The subject will then call a freephone number for bra advice and support.


At 5:42 pm, Blogger what's-herface said...

I love the rule about the need for pretty bras in the extra-small and extra-large sizes, being extra-small myself. Viva la revolution!

At 10:58 am, Blogger kindred said...

Well, as my own bra size changes every six months these day I figured I need to make sure I'm always covered!

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At 2:55 am, Blogger Elle Cox said...

I was just browsing through blogs for a research project on brassieres and I wanted to say I love your entry. I work as a fit specialist at a department store and I could identify with many of the points you made.

I too am a fan of making pretty bras in all sizes. I don't think manufacturers fully realize how popular their bras would be if they would just make pretty bras for women of all sizes.

Your point on being fitted is a good one as well. Women's bra sizes are constantly changing. It is so important to be fit each time one is purchasing a new bra because you never know. There are so many problems that stem from wearing the wrong size.

Great job!

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At 12:50 am, Blogger Erik Mann said...

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