Rule the World

It's time to begin my manifesto.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

No. 005: Chain Emails

When I rule the world: people who send chain emails will be punished.

We all have friends who think that forwarding an email is the same as staying in touch. Whenever I receive one I have to take a moment to remind myself that I do love the person concerned, and that I shouldn't think less of them because of their emailing habits - but sometimes it's difficult. There is a
wonderful website designed to separate the rubbish emails from those which are true. If you have ever sent a chain email without first checking it I urge you to change your ways, because soon there will be consequences.

The level of punishment the sender receives will depend on the severity of their crime, and in many emails your victim (the poor friends you send these emails to) will benefit from your misbehaviour.

The scale will be as follows:

Level 1: sending an 'aren't friends great! I love you guys!' email (without an accompanying story - see Level 9). Touching, but meaningless. If you love a friend that much, send them something original and don't copy it to ten other friends at the same time. Punishment: do your friend's laundry for a week.

Level 2: sending an email about how a big corporation is going to give away free stuff if you forward their email enough times. Never true. Corporations didn't get big by giving stuff away that easily. Plus, you can't track forwarded emails in that manner. No, it's not 'worth a try!!!' as so many people who forward this kind of email seem to think. It's just stupid. Punishment: buy your friend the thing the corporation was supposedly giving away.

Level 3: sending an email that urges the reader to add their name to a long list of recipients, with the eventual view of forwarding the email to another country's government and thus ending dog-eating/bear farming/whatever else. While the dreadful behaviour might be true, emailing the governments concerned won't make a blind bit of difference. And fooling yourself into thinking that you're somehow striking a blow for the dogs and bears by merely adding your name to an email is just silly. Punishment: donate a week's salary to a charity that actually helps the cause concerned, in your friend's name.

Level 4: sending an email about a poor sick child who will somehow be helped or cured if you keep forwarding the email. Punishment: a week's unpaid labour at the local kindergarten of your friend's choosing.

Level 5: sending a scary email about some essential personal hygiene product causing cancer. Punishment: buy your friend a year's supply of their favourite personal hygiene product.

Level 6: sending a scary email about strangers hiding in parked cars or parking buildings, waiting to rape and murder helpless women. Punishment: wash your friend's car for a year.

Level 7: sending false virus warnings. Punishment: no internet access for a month.

Level 8: sending completely improbable and stupid emails about impossible things like Bonsai Kittens. Punishment: no chance of a Bonsai Kitten for you, ever.

Level 9: sending a 'my friends rock!!!' or 'love thy neighbour!!!' email, accompanied by a tooth-rottingly sweet story of a suicide avoided/car crash regrets/drug regrets. Punishment: a year's therapy for your hapless friend. Punishment to be doubled if your email contained a poem. Punishment to be tripled if your email suggested bad fortune faced people who didn't keep forwarding the email.

Level 10: sending the 'Instructions for Life' email supposed to be written by the Dalai Lama. Punishment: I can't actually think of anything bad enough. You've defamed the Dalai Lama! How do you sleep at night?


At 1:43 am, Blogger what's-herface said...

This is awesome. You're my hero! I will sign your manifesto any day.

At 2:48 am, Blogger Vickie said...

I thought I was your only reader! And here you are prancing about behind my back, getting other readers! *sigh* I thought I knew you, and then you pull a stunt like this...

At 2:27 pm, Blogger Alyssa said...

Yeah, Most of the Oasis concerts are sold out. I would give my right arm to hear them play. You could probably find some on ebay.


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