Rule the World

It's time to begin my manifesto.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

No. 004: Inky Hands

When I rule the world: all newspapers will be printed with non-transferable ink.

I hate inky hands. I hate dirty hands in general, actually. I don't like being dirty at all. I'm not phobic about it and I don't wash my hands twenty times in boiling water, accidentally touch the rubbish bin as I throw away my paper towel, and then start the whole sorry process over again, but I don't like being mucky. I spent my formative years knee-deep in mud and horse poo, so it's strange that I am so averse to dirt, but hey! That's what makes me complicated and mysterious.

Of all the dirt that may end up on my hands during the course of an average day, newspaper ink is, in my mind, the most annoying. It's particularly bad in the summer, when I'm wearing light-coloured clothes and risk ruining a favourite item by thoughtlessly trying to retrieve a slipping bra strap or something.

In my experience newspapers have to be fairly old before they stop transferring ink, but if I leave them to reach that stage before reading them the quality of the news tends to be diluted. It's all very well reading about imminent snow storms three days late, but that won't be much help when I'm the fool on the train in my summer dress, and the blizzards are blowing around my carriage, and I've got a ten-minute walk to my office when I get to London.

Until newspaper ink technology can definitively solve the transfer problem I will continue to read my news from sterile online sources.


At 2:20 am, Blogger Vickie said...

Two words: kitchen tongs. Use them to avoid touching the newspaper! And it will make newspaper reading more fun - you can pretend you're a crab! Oh the fun you'll have...

At 1:40 pm, Blogger kindred said...

What a wonderful idea. It won't look at all strange on the train, and in my lunch hour my tongs and I can get work at the local sandwich bar.


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